I have decided to start a blog, not sure quite how this is done but we will give it a go and helpfully what I write will help someone who is reading this.

I am a 23 year old lesbian from England with a gorgeous girlfriend, a beautiful daughter and a couple of animals (Jack russel puppy named Stella, bearded dragon named Albert and 2 gerbils named angel and sparky this is me telling people about my life and trying to help people see that not everything is always there fault and no matter what happens to keep fighting no matter what not only for the people they love and who love them but also for themselves.

So this year has been rough not just for me and my family but for everyone. With this whole covid 19 and all the isolation its been difficult. The start of the year was going fine for me I had everything I ever wanted, I had a house a fiance a child everything was going alright. Until covid decided to make a appearance in the world.

Once covid hit my then fiance had to isolate because our daughter and her have a heart condition which made then vulnerable and we were trying to isolate them all that we could to try to keep them safe.

The first couple of months were going alright, I was still working as we needed some kind of income to support ourselves, keep our house and be able to feed our daughter. I was going work early in the morning so that I could spend time with the girls in the afternoon, we had a plan and it was working. Until things started to fall apart, me and my fiance were arguing all of the time and our daughter wanted to constantly go out and see people instead of being cooped up in the house. We had not long moved into our house so we had that ontop of us as well.

I started to hate going to work but I loved it at the same time. It got me away from the girls for a couple of hours, but going to work was hard, I worked in retail so it was constantly hectic, I was getting called every name under the sun and constantly arguing with people. In the end it got too much for me. One night when I came home from work I wasn’t in the greatest of moods and neither was my fiance she had had enough of staying in the house doing nothing. When our daughter went to sleep things started to get a bit heated between me and my fiance, she was talking about me on the phone to who ever would listen to her and all I wanted was to left alone, plus I was sleeping on the sofa coz our new pup wasn’t sleeping during the night. One thing led to another and we were arguing, it all got a bit too much for both of us, in the end she was threatening to call the police and didn’t do it so I did it instead, I told the officer what was happening and I blamed myself for all of it, i didn’t want her to get into any trouble as it wasn’t our fault we had had enough and were taking it on each other.

So anyway the police came over and neither of us pressed charges so they pretty much kicked me out the house so I had to move back in with my mother (which I hated btw), so me and the pup were back at my mums, what I thought was over only go worse, the police kept coming back to me saying she had said this that and the other which at the time I didn’t really care about if I am honest, she ended up taking me to court for nothing really, (this is the shortest way I have ever put this)

Forward to a couple months later and we spoke sorted everything out and got back together, things were getting back on track, then out of the blue she told me that he ex (baby dad) was staying with her ‘coz it was convenient for him”. Anyways me and her argued about it, next thing I know she’s ill in the back of an ambulance calling me coz she wanted to hear my voice, she had to get a covid test coz she was really ill, (turned out she got the flu jab which always makes her really ill), we ended up talking and getting back together again and then one day I overheard a conversation between her and the ex he was asking her if she had come on her period yet, so ding ding I knew exactly what was going on (she didn’t know i overheard the conversation. it then took her 2 days after that for her to tell me she had set with him but not only that but she was pregnant too. All of this coz we got into a petty argument and the ex was there and dint want me to be there when he was the one who shouldn’t have been there.

I had never felt so used before. I was feeling everything, anger, sad but at the same time I also wasnt ready to let her go. So I decided that I was gonna stay and be with her and continue to make our family bigger and stronger. I eventually got over the fact she was pregnant and I was really exited to be having another baby with her. I had everything waiting on my amazon list for the baby, she was 10 weeks pregnant when we sadly lost the baby, we went to our first scan and found out that the baby was there but it didn’t have a heartbeat. Since then I have been letting her do whatever she needs to do, (which is mostly sleep) but I just let her get on with it and while trying to look after her I have also been watching our daughter. Tbh it is starting to get really tough and I just need a break, so I have my fingers crossed that he dad has her this weekend so that I can have a break, our daughter is 2 so she always wants attention and to play and go out but I don’t want to leave my girlfriends side, its so hard atm I am starting to struggle a lot.

The thing with something like this we are all blaming ourselves and tbh it is none of our faults this is just something that can’t be helped.

We all want things to go back to normal, me and my girlfriend are just waiting currently for the baby to pass on its own so that we can deal with it properly. We have spoken and we still want kids we have always wanted a lot of kids (at least 4) but we have plenty of time to do that, we aren’t going to rush anything, but if she ever does what she did then I will be leaving and the only reason I will talk to her if for our daughter. I have been hurt one to many times to keep going round in circles like this. Hopefully things will be OK for us.

I will keep updating this and see how it goes. Thats all for now, see you around people.